LIke the Johnny Cash song, "Hurt" says, "everyone I know, goes away, in the end".

And that, my frineds is exactly how I feel. Why do I ALWAYS half to be the one either in second place or left behind........................cry cry cry

Current Mood: crushed

Now that Im over my sadness and jealousy - heres a video for the occasion!

WEll here I am feeling guilty as hell and even though I sometimes think I shouldnt feel guilty about something that happened tonite really I should because words out of yor mouth are just that words and each word has a defintion; merged together to mean something.
this is what happened; and No jeremy this has nothing to do with you, if you do indeed read my blogs here - I know that you are the only person that knows me here and that really knows I have this account;

Im going to state this first hand because it is all too true but this is my blog wso who gives a big fat rats ass, right? I know some of the things I think sometimes would sound like im crazy to others, but if others knew why i think some things and the things i encounter or experience that then lead to my derranged thoughts - they coould also join the 51/50 club.

ok history first - there is this guy that I met at a dating site that I really like. I mean , he is unlike any man I have met before and is so understands me - which is really a first! Nobody ever 'gets me' even my own family so its really kule that we can communicate on a level such as this. Plus he is absolutely gorgeous to me, sexy as hell and his persononality is awesome. He holds virtues and blefs that line up wth mine and some are stunning and impressive as hell - I love his world view. Now this may sound a bit conceited , and probably is but I have found that most men I meet are just plain stupid - but he surely IS NOT STUPID - IN FACT HES EVEN SMARTER THAN ME AND THAT IS WHAT REALLY IMPRESSES ME ALOT ABOUT HIM!!!!cRUD, THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT CAN BEAT ME AT MY OWN GAME (if I truly had one) roflma though we have only really have been comminicating for a month now, we have spent MAJOR HOURS ON THE PHONE - OMG - thats a no noimes because when one becomes so tired that they dont even know what they are doing anymore roflmao roflmao roflmao, because, oh nevermind, totally different story to tell on this one and ive been able to shelve it temporarily right now so - please know ( ok sparkley who the hell are you talking to?) :me third person: ok then, lol, this story ive mentioned right now is just an embarassing one but i am praying that it does not become a 'make or break' what me i have with this guy right now, i mean, its really good right now, were really getting to knwo eac other and that is probably why i feel so guilty, as if i betrayed him or something!, onto my guilt

ok, this is one of my things and I really do believe in this and follow my beliefs but sometimes, damn, i fail and fuck up, therefore making me a liar in front of only myself, as I am the one looking at me everyday - on to subject, when it comes to meeting new people and so on, if i really start to become more and more interested in one person and im taling even just alot of communication intereactions - no dating or anything like that , i mean no face to face meeting or involvement other than 'ear talk' - if i had been in communication with other guys i stop at the time that i started 'bonding' with this new person, i would rather vest my time and energy , thoughts and emotions in my targert (HIM) per say -

well, i tell the new guy this about me last night and low and behold what do i do? when my ex kinda boyfriend, really not my bf just someone i was involved with for a year.
anyway he text meassages me on my cell phone earlier tonight, and what the fuck do i do? i not only text him back but then go on to engage in the long text messaging vack and forth, that went from funny shit to seruous shit to me askig why he dumped me and then ends by stupid and i mean pitifully dumb me kissing the mother fuckers ass as i said goodnight - so, i bsacially lied to my new friend, no it wasnt even just basic - i frickin LIED BY baiLING on my one of my own values and now i feel horrible - and i also wonder why in the world do i find myself being nice and even going out of my way to make whomever i was involved with happy IN PAST relationshops, no matter how much he may have hrt meI still am sickenly and disgustingly nice to him Im not desperate , i know this to be true because if i were a slutty type there wouldnt be enough time to keep up with all the dudss i could go out with in a minute, but im not a slut and I really do truly enjoy only having one man at a time in my life, even when no expectaions are in the picture, not knowing where it may go or if there would ever be any serious relationshop between us - in other words, i make a lil commitTment to him ,really to myself as I a USUSALLY DONT TELL HIM ABOUT MY ONE PERSON AT A TIME COMMUNICATION CLAUSE (LOL) abouti MEAN why say, there is no committment as a possible couple at all. I know its on the back of both parties minds but still is not 'real' - know what i mean? Well I still feel guilty. ive crashed and burned a few times in this area before, but this is worse because i ttold this new guy just last night that i never do this ao this time because not only is he a most attractive and desirable catch, really a prize if you landed him i doubled the troubleand struck out on this one in my own mind - now i wonder if i should tell him so i come clean and then i could put it behind me very easily = but that would be so drama filled and i dont want the drama factor to ever become a part of what or rahter how we learn about each other, from each other. I dont want to feel like i have to explain myself when (well ideally i would like to bew with someone that understood me so well, i wouldnt even know what the concept of explainging ones fucked behavior was!) anyway, i didnt mean any harm. now if we were seriously involved i know i wouldnt cross that line but the guilt still plagues me - writing helps free me a little so atleast i can now go to his profile and peek at his pictures without my tail between my legs and my cheeks flushed - what a web we weave = om throwing away my knitting needles all together - burn those mother fuckers up!

sorry D - i slipped, but it doesnt reflect at all in any way, how i feel about you - i still like you just as much or really even more now that after our conversation last night, except for the embarrassing part.

thats it, spakle out - bye third person, always there to listen to me arent cha!!!! sparkle ttyl

Tags: guilty frontiers
Current Mood: annoyed

This video is for me!

Current Mood: optimistic

i want to write about alot of things, as i have so many differnent thoughts and emotions running through me right now - but then on the otherhand, i dunno - sometimes i think i should keep everything inside me - but i want so desperately to feel safe and i guess writing down how you feels makes me feel a lil safe - i know what is bothering me, im finally waking up to what makes me tick - yes, this is about relationships! crud crud crud - i think im going to go and find the right questions to ask myself - i have asked myself alot of questions today, well not that many actually to come up with this answer - I REALLY DIDNT FEEL HARDLY ANYTHING OF WHAT I DID ABOUT A CERTAIN SOMEONE - ppfffttttt - hows that - i think i was just looking and bound myself to an asshoole that didnt give a damn about me except what he could get out of my and my pocket - i really hate saying that as i want to believe in people and their intentions - i guess not all people have good ones so whatever...........

now i stand at this door, where i met this really nice genuine person, who would save his friends rather than take them and..............well, i really want to get to know everything him about him so im almost obsessing........what am i saying, i am frickin obsessing, atleast today..............alot of days roflmao at me, yea, im such an idiot,i make myself sick alot of the time - why cant - oh nevermind, im going to go and maybe ill be back later - i wish i could pick up that damn phone and complete my call - that would be a dog gone start - instead i get scared, thinking i might seem to forward - helll im a forward girl - ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Current Mood: annoyed

Current Mood: blah

What the hell am I fighting for?

Current Mood: confused

James Bond, is this you? lol

Current Mood: contemplative

Current Mood: crushed

I usually never ever write what I really feel inside but for the first time, in a very very very long time I feel like i have to get some things out because these are such intense emotions for me - theyre are making my life hell and I feel like Im a constant emotional roller coaster,

I thank God that no one knows who I am 0 cept for one cyber friend and he doesnt come here anyway and then one other person, But I dont really think that it who I first thought it was in the first place; therefore Im going to write whats on my mind in hopes I can find some relief and regain a lil happiness once again.

To start with IM PISSED AS FUCK BECAUSE I CANT GET MY GODDAMN IPOD TO SYNC THE SONGS I WANT IT TO = IVE SPENT SO MUCH MOTHER FUCKIN TIME ON THIS IM REALDY TO KICK MY CATS - and if thats like cursing the Lord - so, Im totally pissed. And then there IS MY CUNT MOTHER, AND I MEAN FUCKING BITCH, SADISTIC FUCKIN CUNT THAT SHE IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE, I HATE THE FUCK OUT OF HER - ALWAYS HAVE - IVE TRIED AND TRIED TO LOVE HER BUT I CANT - I EVEN TRY TO PITY HER BECAUSE SHE IS THE ONE THAT CANT SHOW ANY EMOTION EXCEPT HATE - AND I CAN ACTUALLY DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT I AM JUST ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE INE WORLD THAT DIDNT GET TO EXPERIENCE WHATS IT LIKE TO HAVE A MOTHER, OR FEEL THAT RELATIONSHIP (sometimes that makes me sad, but I did have my grandmother, so Im ok there - now, the dad thing is another issue and this ones does MAKE ME REALLY REALLY SAD - i never expereienced even in the smallest fashion what it is like to have a dad as my dad was not only BANNED from my life by THE it CUNT but then died when I was sixteen) But I dont really stress on that anymore, too many tears there and feeling sorry for myself, which in this case I think is perfectuly justified.

Now that I have said that, it kinda makes sense as to why Im so upset AT WHAT MAKES ME THE SADDEST OF ALL. The song by Johnny Cash, HURT, says, "everyone I know, goes away, in the end" That is the STORY OF MY LIFE.....everyone goes away,,,,,,,,,and I try and try to figure out why, what did I do, did I do anything and so on..now, in specific relationships, i know the "w" answers to a certan degree; but when it comes to men AND RELATIONSHIPS ESPECIALLY - IM FUCKED - ITS BEEN THAT WAY MY ENTIRE LIFE, I JUST CANT KEEP ANYONE, AND IN 99 PERCENT OF THOSE RELATIONSHIPS, I DIDNT DO ONE FUCKIN THING WRONG - I HAVE GONE TO THERAPY ABOUT THIS, SO ITS NOT LIKE IM A NARCISSIST OR ANYTHING - the bottome line, in my mind, is that im too accomadationg, too nice, not a bitch, am too real, move on my feelings and therefore scare them all away, in other words, i dont play that fuckin game that," if youre too nice then they dont like you as much'. Well i dont, and will not - EVER - AND I dont even think its a game anymore - its a basic flaw in humans - or else why would EVERYONE, AND I MEAN EVEN THOSE THAT YOU DISCUSS THIS WITH AND SWEAR THEY DONT DO THAT - well, they do, every single goddamn time -

So now i wonder if maybe my destiny is to be one of those people that just dont every find their love of their life. And this IS WHAT IS FUCKING ME UP AND MAKING MY LIFE SO UNMANABAGEABLE, i DONT WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE, NOT AT ALL. AND I ASK GOD, WHY? why me,,,,,,,,, when I have so much to give,,,,,,,,,i mean, ii could be the perfect girlfriend and the absolute perfect wife, why would I be chosen as one of those souls that has to be the 'anne landers' of the crowd, or the 'thannks, i learned so much from you' as that boyfriend later tells you after he leaves you and marries someone else - that has happened to me so many times i cant even remember how many - IM JUST A FUCKIN BOOK OF ADVICE AND HOW TO FIND THAT LOVE OF YOUR LIFE - but noone has ever considered how the authors of these books feel - they are human too, they have hearts of gold - but the bad thing is that that gold is buried so deep, it cant ever be found and so is left out in no where land waiting, waiting, waiting, and sometimes tries to dig itself up, but is just buried deeper each time a new miner comes along and steps so hard on its surface, where it is buried, that it will never surface - I GUESS MY ONLY HOPE IS THAT THEY IS SOME BIG OL ASS EARTHQUAKE, then maybe i can surface - but then again, upon surfacing, it the world is still the same, ill just be buried somewhere else, and one day it will be so deep, ill never find a way back,,,,,,,,,and that where im at right now,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,crying, laughing, whoring on the phone, on the net, truying to make it look like everything is ok - WHEN ITS NOT, IM SAD AND MAD AND WISH I COULD DISAPPEAR.................

Current Mood: crushed